on ex's and o's.

it happens that i sit at my desk all day and i think. today, i'm not sure how i ended up here, but something reminded me of something that must have reminded me of something that made me wonder about this. bear with me, i still don't know what the answer is.

so we date people, and we enjoy them for a time, but then one day we wake up and realize we have no idea what love is, and that whoever we are trying to find it with at that moment, isn't it. for me, much of these non-love moments were discovered by the other person. (to be honest, much of my relationships weren't even that. they were non-relationships afraid to face the reality of what was happening. i was not the girlfriend, but the lady friend, or the girl, or the friend, or whatever else you want to call someone you're basically dating but don't want to admit you're dating.) anyway, as screwed up as they were on the outside, they were just as screwed up on the inside. to sound less harsh, they just weren't right. and i guess that's what i'm wondering about. those people who weren't right... what are we to do with them? are we supposed to just forget about them? (cuz many i'd really like to.) or are we supposed to accept the fact that they happened and that things we come across may remind us of these people, and just deal with the somewhat haunting (ala Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, yes? ha) results. (shake it off.)

i suppose they can serve as examples of what we definitely do not want. i'd like to be mature about it and not have to feel anything negative, but then in my case, those memories aren't the greatest to relive. so i think i'd rather just forget. they weren't nice. they weren't amazing. they were just there, teaching me what to avoid in the future. now that i'm in a real committed relationship, the kindness and consideration of my beau contrasts so much with the others, i really have begun to dislike those non-boyfriends even more. they really weren't worth my time, and they definitely didn't deserve my attention. and they still don't. but as much as i don't want to mention them, here they are, the tic, tac, toe's of my past...

so i ask it again, what are we to do with these memories? game after game we play, learning to win and lose, and how to handle each loss... crumpling up the pages once they're tired and worn. it's all such a waste of paper. i think i've realized that i much prefer a cat's game from the start. one shot. no winner. no loser. the mutual give and take is much more gratifying. xoxo.