I'm feeling very rusty.

I am feeling very rusty. Yes, I write tweets, blog posts, comments, and long winded e-mails, but the assignment of writing 1900 words is taunting me. Why in the world did I think I would enjoy a writing class?

I guess it was because... what I want to do most in life leaves me with more fear than desire. And I'm the kind of person that likes to keep growing. So it just seemed like the next thing to conquer. So I signed up, forcing myself to type type type in the dark night once again. All week I've been feeling that anxious stress that I felt for four years straight. I miss my calm happiness. I miss my lazy, not so guilty TV nights. Now I finally understand what it is to have a guilty pleasure again. It's the anything that takes you away from your homework. (Or other various responsibilities, goals, tasks, obligations.)

I went to a speaker - panel - writers' support group - session tonight. It was just that. Four professional writers up front, attempting to express their charm and wit off paper while the 20 of us in the room gazed at them in confusion. I'm not sure if they were encouraging me to pursue my dream, or slowly hinting to find a new one. "It's tough to pitch. It's lonely to stay at home. You never feel like you write anything well."

I'm thinking I want to keep at my 9 to 5. And continue pondering about all this writing stuff. And I think I'd just like to read more. Think more. Write more. Bah. Those writers really confused me. I can't wrap my mind around it all yet.

I guess it just seems that maybe the grass is always greener. Or maybe it just depends on the person. One of the writers was especially happy with his success. Another was especially happy with his non-success. And the others were just continuously striving to do more. One seemed always let down. The other seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders.

There are no rules. And I think I like that. And I think I like the idea of essays / memoir better than reporting. But who knows. I've never really tried it. I've got a lot to think about. Yup. A lot. I don't know if it'll ever make any sense. But a lot of the time writing it out helps. Thanks for helping me think.

i think i've found the place

i think i've found the place that i'll be able to write the words. i always imagined a place of my own, with warm walls and inspiring moments. i think i've found the place.

je veux te voir

i've switched to green tea. two years ago, i was finishing up my english & philosophy classes, and i was still pushing myself to meet deadlines. that's when the ice-blended obsession started. coffee bean is far superior to starbucks, in my opinion, and they make a mean mint / mocha combo. so its safe to say i was completely hooked once finding this drink. especially after a late night of writing / not writing / deciding to go to sleep and wake up early to really wait until the last minute.

after i graduated, i didn't have much of a reason to wake myself up. for a couple [then, aimless] months, i was without job and forced to enjoy the sunshine; a coffee drink became my guilty pleasure. now... i've found my pleasures elsewhere. now i've switched to green tea. less calories and more refreshing, i find something satisfying about tasting the green.

i think that the acceptance of a switch like this probably comes with age. the fluffy / mocha drinks can become too luxurious, and leave you only craving more and more. hollywood does the same thing. it's fun and addicting at first, but it becomes empty and tiresome, a realization discovered usually not as quickly as you'd like.

at this point in los angeles, i think i've found my green tea: in genuine laughter and honest questions and answers. hikes and music with a heart on its sleeve. home cooked meals. cuddles under blankets. conversations that matter. smiles worth waiting for. ah. i can't wait for the boys to get back from south by. i had a very productive week, but i'm ready for the whirlwind to start again. the past 2 years has been a dizzy rush rush of searching... but this spin is my dance floor happiness brought to life.

mm. sipping my green tea, not wishing it would last longer. no addiction. just pure goodness. yes.

should i be so inspired

i'd like to write a love story.