I'm feeling very rusty.

I am feeling very rusty. Yes, I write tweets, blog posts, comments, and long winded e-mails, but the assignment of writing 1900 words is taunting me. Why in the world did I think I would enjoy a writing class?

I guess it was because... what I want to do most in life leaves me with more fear than desire. And I'm the kind of person that likes to keep growing. So it just seemed like the next thing to conquer. So I signed up, forcing myself to type type type in the dark night once again. All week I've been feeling that anxious stress that I felt for four years straight. I miss my calm happiness. I miss my lazy, not so guilty TV nights. Now I finally understand what it is to have a guilty pleasure again. It's the anything that takes you away from your homework. (Or other various responsibilities, goals, tasks, obligations.)

I went to a speaker - panel - writers' support group - session tonight. It was just that. Four professional writers up front, attempting to express their charm and wit off paper while the 20 of us in the room gazed at them in confusion. I'm not sure if they were encouraging me to pursue my dream, or slowly hinting to find a new one. "It's tough to pitch. It's lonely to stay at home. You never feel like you write anything well."

I'm thinking I want to keep at my 9 to 5. And continue pondering about all this writing stuff. And I think I'd just like to read more. Think more. Write more. Bah. Those writers really confused me. I can't wrap my mind around it all yet.

I guess it just seems that maybe the grass is always greener. Or maybe it just depends on the person. One of the writers was especially happy with his success. Another was especially happy with his non-success. And the others were just continuously striving to do more. One seemed always let down. The other seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders.

There are no rules. And I think I like that. And I think I like the idea of essays / memoir better than reporting. But who knows. I've never really tried it. I've got a lot to think about. Yup. A lot. I don't know if it'll ever make any sense. But a lot of the time writing it out helps. Thanks for helping me think.

what else can i say?

The top 5 words I've tweeted:

love

good

tonight

work

want

Sounds about right.

oh, but wait...

i have a job, huh? one of those 9-6, sit indoors all day and dream of whats going on outside that window, type of jobs. it's a good one - so i can't complain at all, but spending the most quality time i've spent with people in a long long (ever?) is really not motivating the sitting in the fluorescent lighting all day. the truth is, i'm torn between routine and the new. i'm so always up for seeing new things and trying new things... i don't mind taking a scenic route. but i guess i can let it get out of control too. i've tossed the stability right out of this 6th story window, and i'm running on curiosity.

and fear. watching a fellow twosome part ways makes me realize just how disposable relationships (love or less) are. and this is what i have always thought to be the most important thing we can have in our lives... people to share them with... but we toss each other around so often. so from there, i consider that every strong connection we make, and every moment we are given, is truly a very precious one.

last night's show at the roxy was cancelled, so that (thankfully) gave me a bit of a break. tonight is first fridays at the natural history museum. the bird and the bee are playing and jukebox the ghost are opening. apparently its a popular night; pre-sale tix are already sold out. not sure if we'll end up making it inside or not.

it's raining. there really is something about that rain that makes it feel okay to stay home and do nothing (or take a moment to type a little something something in the blog blog).