pros and cons of balloons.

i keep shaking myself awake in the middle
of the day. daydreaming as usual. daydreaming about
getting back to my comfort. waking up to realize that, again,
he's off on tour. i'm feeling a little bit hazy.

i guess it hasn't hit me.

after 3 weeks of trying to soak up every second of
energy, + love,
[while still resuming as usual]
a weekend in the hot desert (overwhelmingly)
strengthened /
expanded /
bloated
my heart.
[my hands] my grip.

it all feels like those balloons on strings at the festivals...
going with the wind... individual
balloons.. holding up that string..
holding up each other.. out of line, but always in a line.
just when i think i've got a handle on it... the wind shifts.

but there is more good here than there is in a balloon.
(balloons liter the earth. they explode. they make your hair frizz.)

here balloons inspire.

if i could send the world his music i would.

it's a tough place to be in when you've fallen in love with a musician. it's been said again and again, not to go for boys in bands, but girls like me just don't listen to things like that. she'll be warned of poor behavior and neglect, those other girls and the instruments that take priority. but the truth is, while all of those things exist, it's only really tough to fall in love with a musician when it's the one-sided kind of love.

and happily, i've got the not so tough kind. and when you've got that kind, the only real tough part is the almost long distant relationship you must be able to commit to every other month when the band goes on tour.

in the past i've said (at least a few times) that i don't share well... because it was a phrase to be said, and claiming it never made me feel too horrible or selfish. however, i've never really had to share much at all, so saying i wasn't skilled at doing so was really just a joke stemming from my inexperience. barbies.. apartments... boyfriends.. every girl wants them to just be her own.

but i realized today that i must confront said sharing with a giving heart. sharing my boyfriend with other people is completely required for him to do what he loves. and as much as my phrase dropping self (the self inside all of us that has the ability to create a pun out of a blog posting title.. the cliche phrase re-inventor, that self), as much as my unoriginal phrase dropping "i don't share well" self wants to be pouty and frustrated that my boyfriend is gone overseas for two weeks (another tour, another countdown of days 'til he's back), my peaceful and happy self (the self that is loved and is in love... that is supportive and excited for the band... the self that wants me to move forward and achieve, and not be foiled by the negative self), that self says: share him. share him with the world. share him with music lovers and music haters alike. let him do exactly what he is meant to do because the music should have no limits.

and when i let myself let go of the silly phrase that meant nothing at all, i realize i'm just as excited as he is for the trip to london. and to any other place they book shows. because the more shows, the better. if i can't get out and reach the world, at least he can, and that's something positive that i can't help but love.

on ex's and o's.

it happens that i sit at my desk all day and i think. today, i'm not sure how i ended up here, but something reminded me of something that must have reminded me of something that made me wonder about this. bear with me, i still don't know what the answer is.

so we date people, and we enjoy them for a time, but then one day we wake up and realize we have no idea what love is, and that whoever we are trying to find it with at that moment, isn't it. for me, much of these non-love moments were discovered by the other person. (to be honest, much of my relationships weren't even that. they were non-relationships afraid to face the reality of what was happening. i was not the girlfriend, but the lady friend, or the girl, or the friend, or whatever else you want to call someone you're basically dating but don't want to admit you're dating.) anyway, as screwed up as they were on the outside, they were just as screwed up on the inside. to sound less harsh, they just weren't right. and i guess that's what i'm wondering about. those people who weren't right... what are we to do with them? are we supposed to just forget about them? (cuz many i'd really like to.) or are we supposed to accept the fact that they happened and that things we come across may remind us of these people, and just deal with the somewhat haunting (ala Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, yes? ha) results. (shake it off.)

i suppose they can serve as examples of what we definitely do not want. i'd like to be mature about it and not have to feel anything negative, but then in my case, those memories aren't the greatest to relive. so i think i'd rather just forget. they weren't nice. they weren't amazing. they were just there, teaching me what to avoid in the future. now that i'm in a real committed relationship, the kindness and consideration of my beau contrasts so much with the others, i really have begun to dislike those non-boyfriends even more. they really weren't worth my time, and they definitely didn't deserve my attention. and they still don't. but as much as i don't want to mention them, here they are, the tic, tac, toe's of my past...

so i ask it again, what are we to do with these memories? game after game we play, learning to win and lose, and how to handle each loss... crumpling up the pages once they're tired and worn. it's all such a waste of paper. i think i've realized that i much prefer a cat's game from the start. one shot. no winner. no loser. the mutual give and take is much more gratifying. xoxo.

and so it is.

a car ride home.



talks of meetings. and decisions. and excitement.
good show. and fans. and admirers. a glance my way. a plunge.



talks.



satisfaction.



celebration.

oh, but wait...

i have a job, huh? one of those 9-6, sit indoors all day and dream of whats going on outside that window, type of jobs. it's a good one - so i can't complain at all, but spending the most quality time i've spent with people in a long long (ever?) is really not motivating the sitting in the fluorescent lighting all day. the truth is, i'm torn between routine and the new. i'm so always up for seeing new things and trying new things... i don't mind taking a scenic route. but i guess i can let it get out of control too. i've tossed the stability right out of this 6th story window, and i'm running on curiosity.

and fear. watching a fellow twosome part ways makes me realize just how disposable relationships (love or less) are. and this is what i have always thought to be the most important thing we can have in our lives... people to share them with... but we toss each other around so often. so from there, i consider that every strong connection we make, and every moment we are given, is truly a very precious one.

last night's show at the roxy was cancelled, so that (thankfully) gave me a bit of a break. tonight is first fridays at the natural history museum. the bird and the bee are playing and jukebox the ghost are opening. apparently its a popular night; pre-sale tix are already sold out. not sure if we'll end up making it inside or not.

it's raining. there really is something about that rain that makes it feel okay to stay home and do nothing (or take a moment to type a little something something in the blog blog).

i heart los angeles

the love that my parents share is, as i wrote in their 27th anniversary card, an inspiring one that has taught me not only about what it is to have love between two people, but what it is to have a truly loving family. it's an example that has set my standards high -- probably too high for most los angeles prospects. i really haven't dated too much while living in and around hollywood, but from what i've seen and heard, it's rough. the comments i can agree with -- everyone is in their own world, focused on their own career(s). (most are pursuing multiple feats: acting, modeling, directing, etc.) it's a strange world to live in, especially being someone who did not arrive with a dream. i wanted to be a writer, "someday", but i never felt it as an almost selfish passion that would limit myself from other endeavors. there is nothing wrong with going after your dreams in such a way, but it does diminish the ability to develop strong relationships with people. everyone is very much looking for the right connections, rather than the connection. the love relationships they have with one another in between those "big break" moments are mostly physical, generally superficial, and usually left empty and unexplained. i'm so done with that pattern. from now on, i'm looking for the good ones. my heart deserves nothing less.