what are cravings anyway?

a flash of desire? we crave food. places. people. feelings. but what is it that sends that small taste, or hint, or reminder? a message straight from the heart.

yes, it's a flash of desire. i hear you heart, i do.

words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

the gatekeeper wears feathers

"no pictures allowed, ladies. that's our only rule."

oh, hollywood.

we went to bardot last night because bret from flight of the conchords was dj-ing :: spinning. yes. i was spinning in circles, attempting to feel a buzz from my 2 (too) expensive drinks. actually in comparison to some places i've been before, this bar wasn't the most outrageous. i'd never been to this spot before, and i suppose i would go back just to see how i liked it the second time around. i didn't hate it. i didn't love it. something weird about the wanna-be-glam hollywood club mixed with the hipster scene. i mean, it was definitely a step above the 18+ moscow bunch, but i don't know.. maybe i'm just not impressed by the pink lighting anymore.

i do like the dancing, however, and the best moment of the night, by far was when "Shout" came on and everyone was jumping around, up, up, and then down, down, down, so low to the ground... "a little softer now"... everyone literally sitting on the dance floor, scrambling for each other's support to get back up. i love moments that bring strangers together.

to recap my valentine's day weekend... we cooked. there was wine. we walked in the cold. chocolates with funny phrases on them. i wore a heart on my shirt. home sewn. there were kisses. and that makes me smile.

somewhere over the rainbow

the other night i ended up at the key club for the first time since my living in hollywood. the crowd was ridiculously sleezy and desperate, old, and still trying to make something of a dream that has for so long been shaken apart. the bands were awful. no harmony. no inspiration. just a flat desire for fame. there might have been an ounce of passion stuck somewhere in between the tight levi's and the cheesey belt buckles, but i'm sure the combat boots will squash it sooner than later. i've never felt so depressed while watching live music.... i had to get out. never will i return to the key club again. (unless it's a great band.) ugh. everything about that place felt so wrong, tainted and broken.

somewhere over the rainbow, i spent an uplifting night at the troubadour in west hollywood last night. i saw some great bands that have their hearts and minds in the right place, and it really does send out a better feeling in the room. it was a tad cold in the venue, but the music somehow warmed the place up. plus shia labeouf was there, making a fool of himself. such a drunken, lonely celeb, trying too hard to obtain more attention. apparently he can keep a quarter on his forehead while banging his head on the bar counter -- 5 times. brilliant.

tonight we celebrate S' birthday at cha cha cha. i need to find the perfect present! she's not into contrasting colors so much. hm. monochromatic possibilities, where art thou?

be mine. text me. love. yours.

i do so badly want to fall
and the kisses and hugs are written on solid hearts
but i can't bite through them

i have an urge to save them
in their little box,
staring me in the face through the plastic window,
until a new holiday has arrived,
and then i've missed my chance to
celebrate in season.

i let them remain whole
and strong, never letting the
impression fade away.
i must find the courage to
open that box.

i heart los angeles

the love that my parents share is, as i wrote in their 27th anniversary card, an inspiring one that has taught me not only about what it is to have love between two people, but what it is to have a truly loving family. it's an example that has set my standards high -- probably too high for most los angeles prospects. i really haven't dated too much while living in and around hollywood, but from what i've seen and heard, it's rough. the comments i can agree with -- everyone is in their own world, focused on their own career(s). (most are pursuing multiple feats: acting, modeling, directing, etc.) it's a strange world to live in, especially being someone who did not arrive with a dream. i wanted to be a writer, "someday", but i never felt it as an almost selfish passion that would limit myself from other endeavors. there is nothing wrong with going after your dreams in such a way, but it does diminish the ability to develop strong relationships with people. everyone is very much looking for the right connections, rather than the connection. the love relationships they have with one another in between those "big break" moments are mostly physical, generally superficial, and usually left empty and unexplained. i'm so done with that pattern. from now on, i'm looking for the good ones. my heart deserves nothing less.