friday love

a few doors down from my new place is a little wine shop. they host various tastings and events a few times a week, and during summer they take the supplies over to the hollyhock house for a tasting in the art park at sunset. i decided this was a mandatory event before summer's end and bought tickets last week. it was dreamy.

up on the hill, with the sun reaching its last reaches towards the green, green grass... we put our blanket in a spot with a view. small, dented glass after another i fell in love all over again. a busy day for us both, but an hour spent just the two of us. plus, we finally used some of the cheese store gift certificate i gave him for his birthday. that was delicious. a perfect 10 moment. smiles. kisses.

those butterflies.

i've still got them, i'm proud to report. there are moments, brief, lovely moments, that i glance over to him in a crowded room and feel nothing but excitement. it's still there, and i can only smile. such a happy girl i am.

there's been non-stop activity for the past 10 days and as much as i would love to report on everything we've done, the only thing i really need to say is.. hello butterflies. thanks for sticking around.. just enough to make it right.

words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

i'm awake.

after so many years of being tucked into bed for sweet dreams and physical gain, i've finally realized how good it feels to grow up, or rather, to grow forward. when i was younger, i used to sit in my classes or lie on my bedroom floor and gaze out the window, letting my thoughts float far and away, up into the clouds. i'd imagine the things little girls do imagine: what true love would be like, what that real world would offer, and those perfect shoes for every occasion. an uninterrupted daydream was paradise.

but just a few years ago there was that moment of realization that the dreams we have as children are just that. we have to put our energy towards acting rather than thinking, and speaking rather than listening because if we don't do something, we stay stuck in the dream-like state, everything happening around us, hazy and out of our control. and there was a time after waking up to this reality that i was scared and in search of someone or something, anything fluffy and soft to surround myself with. but as much as i want the ice cream cone to stay floating above, the wind always takes it away. chasing the clouds can be so tiring.

now, at this young age of 24, i'm finally feeling comfortable with the responsibility of being awake. every day i appreciate more and more, and i am beginning to feel excitement for what is to come because i know that i have learned and will continue to learn. i guess it's true that we are wiser as we get older, and i'm looking forward to being able to see the world from this point of view. i used to really smile from the moments i'd create in my imagination... the perfect picnics and the rainy kisses. but now, as cheesy as it sounds, it's the real events and memories i have that make me truly smile, and that is such an amazing feeling.

i just wish someone had told me sooner... that time would do it's work. however, maybe they did tell me... i was probably just too busy hitting snooze.

it's the thought that counts.

mm.. so where to begin?

i had an amazing weekend. the best. and i couldn't have planned it if i tried. i'm beginning to realize that as much as it is in my nature to plan, things seem to turn out just fine without the plan. i've always feared the non-plan because i felt things were out of my control, and by out of my control, i guess what i really mean is that my feelings weren't going to be considered, and i wasn't going to be happy with the end result. but there's something entirely different about a non-plan when it's spent with someone who cares completely how you feel. truly.

when my weekend getaway took a nose dive towards what could have seemingly been a rocky, painful crash landing, there was someone with a kind heart there to hold my hand and help me find a way to see something new. it sounds silly, that i was so stressed about such a insignificant thing; it was a weekend getaway. but at the same time, i put my heart into planning, and my past has turned that moment of to care or not to care, into a significant one. he does care and i am pleased. i'm impressed. i'm happy. he's great. i could have very easily been upset, and i could have been mad, but for the first time i can really say that it's the thought that counts, and i know that his intentions were there. in the bigger picture, our destination didn't matter. a quick road trip or a far away flight, the time together was all that mattered. and is cherished. and appreciated. again, i just feel so lucky, and that's all i am choosing to feel. those thoughts count. those thoughts make me smile.

it's blitz

i am loving the new yeah yeah yeahs album. i purchased the deluxe edition on itunes this week, which incluces a bunch of acoustic tracks. "soft shock" is lying on the grass in the shade on a warm summer day. slight breeze. in love. moving into pensive, content smiles. and kisses.

the rest of the album, non-acoustic is still karen o, but a more fun, dance freak out. i like.

the gatekeeper wears feathers

"no pictures allowed, ladies. that's our only rule."

oh, hollywood.

we went to bardot last night because bret from flight of the conchords was dj-ing :: spinning. yes. i was spinning in circles, attempting to feel a buzz from my 2 (too) expensive drinks. actually in comparison to some places i've been before, this bar wasn't the most outrageous. i'd never been to this spot before, and i suppose i would go back just to see how i liked it the second time around. i didn't hate it. i didn't love it. something weird about the wanna-be-glam hollywood club mixed with the hipster scene. i mean, it was definitely a step above the 18+ moscow bunch, but i don't know.. maybe i'm just not impressed by the pink lighting anymore.

i do like the dancing, however, and the best moment of the night, by far was when "Shout" came on and everyone was jumping around, up, up, and then down, down, down, so low to the ground... "a little softer now"... everyone literally sitting on the dance floor, scrambling for each other's support to get back up. i love moments that bring strangers together.

to recap my valentine's day weekend... we cooked. there was wine. we walked in the cold. chocolates with funny phrases on them. i wore a heart on my shirt. home sewn. there were kisses. and that makes me smile.