and sometimes you crash. and that's okay.

CNN Breaking News: NASA crashes a spacecraft and the upper stage of a rocket on the moon in search for water.

Crash?! The thought of finding water on the moon had been so exciting, but the first thought upon seeing this headline sent my heart downwards. Upon reading closer, however, I discovered that the crash landing in this instance was actually exactly what they needed. (Lesson #1 here: don't assume before you read the full story!) CNN reports: "NASA said Friday's rocket and satellite strike on the moon was a success, kicking up enough dust for scientists to determine whether or not there is water on the moon."

So my next thought is this: (Lesson #2) Sometimes it takes a little bit of a mess to make some progress. Imagine an art project. You don't have to cut directly on the line in order to get what you need. Trim it down. Pick up the scraps. Sometimes, there's gonna be clean-up, but that doesn't mean you didn't make something beautiful.

We can pressure ourselves to always do what's right in order to move forward, but maybe there's something in between what's "right" on paper and what's wrong in our conscience. So what if things get shaken up. Maybe the dust, like on the moon, will lead us to a realization, and what's accomplished from there is all that matters.

What I want to say is: Don't give up. And don't discredit your efforts. Look for discoveries in the smallest things, and find meaning in between the obvious progress.

I was feeling a little shakey this weekend, so I needed this pep talk. I feel better already, especially if it's worked for you too.

wallflower

i feel thankful that i'm surrounded with people who are so inspiring. and brave. every day i learn a little bit more. And maybe someday I'll be able to get a little further off the ground than <-- this.

the hunt

in the past year i've learned a lot. about communication with others. and appreciating what i have. and how to decipher between the good and the bad. i learned how to see what i want and put my energy in what i want, what is worth it, and to quit while i'm ahead with anything else. (that's not to say that giving up is okay, but just that when it's wrong, it's wrong. don't push it.)

so for the past month, the hunt has been on for my new homely dwelling. i knew where i wanted to go, so i searched and searched for every possibility to be found. while there were many, none have been the perfect place. and so i'm accepting that when it comes to apartment hunting, settling is necessary. (i'd never recommend settling to any fellow explorer in search of the good ones, however, when it comes to living situations, avoiding homelessness has to take priority.)

i think i may have found the one. a small little place of my own. it will definitely need some fixing up, and i hope my friends do not judge the book by its cover. it's an odd color green. (somewhat reminiscent of mint chocolate chip ice cream, so that's not half bad.) one of the biggest reasons i fell for this one was because of the manager of the building. she was a good one. willing to help and change anything, and wishing me luck in finding my perfect place no matter where it was. something about her made me happy there.

i go back today to turn in the application. fingers crossed. let's hope my search is complete.

words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

i'm awake.

after so many years of being tucked into bed for sweet dreams and physical gain, i've finally realized how good it feels to grow up, or rather, to grow forward. when i was younger, i used to sit in my classes or lie on my bedroom floor and gaze out the window, letting my thoughts float far and away, up into the clouds. i'd imagine the things little girls do imagine: what true love would be like, what that real world would offer, and those perfect shoes for every occasion. an uninterrupted daydream was paradise.

but just a few years ago there was that moment of realization that the dreams we have as children are just that. we have to put our energy towards acting rather than thinking, and speaking rather than listening because if we don't do something, we stay stuck in the dream-like state, everything happening around us, hazy and out of our control. and there was a time after waking up to this reality that i was scared and in search of someone or something, anything fluffy and soft to surround myself with. but as much as i want the ice cream cone to stay floating above, the wind always takes it away. chasing the clouds can be so tiring.

now, at this young age of 24, i'm finally feeling comfortable with the responsibility of being awake. every day i appreciate more and more, and i am beginning to feel excitement for what is to come because i know that i have learned and will continue to learn. i guess it's true that we are wiser as we get older, and i'm looking forward to being able to see the world from this point of view. i used to really smile from the moments i'd create in my imagination... the perfect picnics and the rainy kisses. but now, as cheesy as it sounds, it's the real events and memories i have that make me truly smile, and that is such an amazing feeling.

i just wish someone had told me sooner... that time would do it's work. however, maybe they did tell me... i was probably just too busy hitting snooze.