those butterflies.

i've still got them, i'm proud to report. there are moments, brief, lovely moments, that i glance over to him in a crowded room and feel nothing but excitement. it's still there, and i can only smile. such a happy girl i am.

there's been non-stop activity for the past 10 days and as much as i would love to report on everything we've done, the only thing i really need to say is.. hello butterflies. thanks for sticking around.. just enough to make it right.

is it just me?

i love going to shows. seriously, love. but i realized this week, as my music-loving / show-attending boyfriend is still on tour, that i'm still without a partner in crime. i've got best friends, but... all of these best friends live at least 6 hours away. i really wouldn't expect it to be so difficult to find someone who loves to see live music - in the same genre as me - that could fill the shoes that my (forever cherished) girls once did... but it really is tough. that's all for now. twiddling thumbs.

cross country slumber party

i cheated.

the band was added to an east coast tour for a few weeks this month. when i heard about the dates i jokingly suggested to my mom that we go to new york for her birthday festivities. surprisingly, she agreed. so we flew across the states last week. (and how i cheated: i spent 4 bonus nights in close radius of my love.)

i hadn't travelled very far in a while, just a few road trips and hour flights home. so prior to, this trip seemed huge, and new york had almost become fictional. but now i know! it's there. i saw it with my own 2 eyes. mom and i ventured the streets, morning and night; it was a long 3 day visit in the big apple.

the guys played amazingly well too. i'm so proud of them.

the second half of our trip was spent in washington dc. 6 hour drive in the band van. another great show sans soundcheck. then a slumber party on my cousin's studio floor. i passed out quick. the night before that was a long one, dancing in brooklyn.

the last day of our trip we got to see all of the sites. i'd been to DC for a week in 8th grade, but it was very exciting to return knowing i was now on Obama territory. i suppose the whole country is Obama territory, but seeing the big black suburbans leaving the White House surrounded by cop cars -- it could have been him! -- that's DC. it's such a beautiful city, especially at night. and luckily, all of the satisfaction of seeing history and beauty together was topped off by one last snuggle sesh. ahh.. mushy mushy mush mush. i can't help it. night night.

words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

the walls around the places we snuggle

i've found this amazing blog that i can't get enough of. (http://www.designspongeonline.com/) it's full of ideas for do-it-yourself projects - the kind that make your home completely unique and interesting - all different styles of design - but i love it all.

most of the photos are making me dream big... and making me want to be all grown up already. it's fun moving from place to place, making new temporary homes each year, but i really can't wait until the day that i have a place that is mine, with walls that are mine, and floors that are mine, and i will spend money on real furniture and paint that will get to stay until i'm inspired to do it all over again.

when i think about my life, what short time we get, and the things i'd like to have and do, having a home that fits me perfectly is definitely on that list. it's not so much having the place forever, or keeping a certain decor forever, but it's the stability that comes with it - the permission - on my own terms - the ownership - and the togetherness - because i want to share that home and fill it with love.

reasons to love you

i heart meiko.. my new favorite song:

"reasons to love you"

give me a reason to fall in love
take my hand and let's dance
give me a reason to make me smile
cuz i think i forgot how

i wanna fall asleep with you tonight
i wanna know that i am safe when you hold me tight
i wanna feel how i wanna feel forever

girls need attention and boys need us
so let's make everybody glad
that they have each other in each other's arms
oh, let's make everybody glad

on ex's and o's.

it happens that i sit at my desk all day and i think. today, i'm not sure how i ended up here, but something reminded me of something that must have reminded me of something that made me wonder about this. bear with me, i still don't know what the answer is.

so we date people, and we enjoy them for a time, but then one day we wake up and realize we have no idea what love is, and that whoever we are trying to find it with at that moment, isn't it. for me, much of these non-love moments were discovered by the other person. (to be honest, much of my relationships weren't even that. they were non-relationships afraid to face the reality of what was happening. i was not the girlfriend, but the lady friend, or the girl, or the friend, or whatever else you want to call someone you're basically dating but don't want to admit you're dating.) anyway, as screwed up as they were on the outside, they were just as screwed up on the inside. to sound less harsh, they just weren't right. and i guess that's what i'm wondering about. those people who weren't right... what are we to do with them? are we supposed to just forget about them? (cuz many i'd really like to.) or are we supposed to accept the fact that they happened and that things we come across may remind us of these people, and just deal with the somewhat haunting (ala Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, yes? ha) results. (shake it off.)

i suppose they can serve as examples of what we definitely do not want. i'd like to be mature about it and not have to feel anything negative, but then in my case, those memories aren't the greatest to relive. so i think i'd rather just forget. they weren't nice. they weren't amazing. they were just there, teaching me what to avoid in the future. now that i'm in a real committed relationship, the kindness and consideration of my beau contrasts so much with the others, i really have begun to dislike those non-boyfriends even more. they really weren't worth my time, and they definitely didn't deserve my attention. and they still don't. but as much as i don't want to mention them, here they are, the tic, tac, toe's of my past...

so i ask it again, what are we to do with these memories? game after game we play, learning to win and lose, and how to handle each loss... crumpling up the pages once they're tired and worn. it's all such a waste of paper. i think i've realized that i much prefer a cat's game from the start. one shot. no winner. no loser. the mutual give and take is much more gratifying. xoxo.