words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

the walls around the places we snuggle

i've found this amazing blog that i can't get enough of. (http://www.designspongeonline.com/) it's full of ideas for do-it-yourself projects - the kind that make your home completely unique and interesting - all different styles of design - but i love it all.

most of the photos are making me dream big... and making me want to be all grown up already. it's fun moving from place to place, making new temporary homes each year, but i really can't wait until the day that i have a place that is mine, with walls that are mine, and floors that are mine, and i will spend money on real furniture and paint that will get to stay until i'm inspired to do it all over again.

when i think about my life, what short time we get, and the things i'd like to have and do, having a home that fits me perfectly is definitely on that list. it's not so much having the place forever, or keeping a certain decor forever, but it's the stability that comes with it - the permission - on my own terms - the ownership - and the togetherness - because i want to share that home and fill it with love.

reasons to love you

i heart meiko.. my new favorite song:

"reasons to love you"

give me a reason to fall in love
take my hand and let's dance
give me a reason to make me smile
cuz i think i forgot how

i wanna fall asleep with you tonight
i wanna know that i am safe when you hold me tight
i wanna feel how i wanna feel forever

girls need attention and boys need us
so let's make everybody glad
that they have each other in each other's arms
oh, let's make everybody glad

on ex's and o's.

it happens that i sit at my desk all day and i think. today, i'm not sure how i ended up here, but something reminded me of something that must have reminded me of something that made me wonder about this. bear with me, i still don't know what the answer is.

so we date people, and we enjoy them for a time, but then one day we wake up and realize we have no idea what love is, and that whoever we are trying to find it with at that moment, isn't it. for me, much of these non-love moments were discovered by the other person. (to be honest, much of my relationships weren't even that. they were non-relationships afraid to face the reality of what was happening. i was not the girlfriend, but the lady friend, or the girl, or the friend, or whatever else you want to call someone you're basically dating but don't want to admit you're dating.) anyway, as screwed up as they were on the outside, they were just as screwed up on the inside. to sound less harsh, they just weren't right. and i guess that's what i'm wondering about. those people who weren't right... what are we to do with them? are we supposed to just forget about them? (cuz many i'd really like to.) or are we supposed to accept the fact that they happened and that things we come across may remind us of these people, and just deal with the somewhat haunting (ala Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, yes? ha) results. (shake it off.)

i suppose they can serve as examples of what we definitely do not want. i'd like to be mature about it and not have to feel anything negative, but then in my case, those memories aren't the greatest to relive. so i think i'd rather just forget. they weren't nice. they weren't amazing. they were just there, teaching me what to avoid in the future. now that i'm in a real committed relationship, the kindness and consideration of my beau contrasts so much with the others, i really have begun to dislike those non-boyfriends even more. they really weren't worth my time, and they definitely didn't deserve my attention. and they still don't. but as much as i don't want to mention them, here they are, the tic, tac, toe's of my past...

so i ask it again, what are we to do with these memories? game after game we play, learning to win and lose, and how to handle each loss... crumpling up the pages once they're tired and worn. it's all such a waste of paper. i think i've realized that i much prefer a cat's game from the start. one shot. no winner. no loser. the mutual give and take is much more gratifying. xoxo.

what else can i say?

The top 5 words I've tweeted:

love

good

tonight

work

want

Sounds about right.

not so undercover.

it's his birthday tomorrow so i've got to be discreet. i'm horrible at keeping secrets. actually, it's only my own secrets i'm bad at keeping. and i get all too excited about surprises. but so far, i've done pretty well. i've kept quiet and most things hidden away... tomorrow i get to reveal the gifts. sorry, it's gotta be a secret here too for now.. i can, however, give a full report on a perfect place for pda. we went to the park on saturday with just a blanket and our good looks. :-P it was pretty outside :: the weather was warm :: and i very much enjoyed the view. he told me the green grass made my eyes look greener. his seemed more blue... even though they are not. i love lying close to the ground, feeling so tiny, like a bug, and looking up through the trees at that beautiful, blue sky. (the kind of sky wilco sings about.. i'm sure of it.) there are tons of trees to fall in love with in griffith park. shout out to RT. ;) i love lazy weekends in los angeles. kiss kiss.

i just had a decently-sized craving for summer vacation.

we all love our fair share of escapism - the movies - the music - reality tv - but growing up, summer vacation was definitely the highlight of my year. no more sitting in class. no more homework. no more bad weather. summer vacation is the truest escape of them all.... for kids anyway. and being the planner that i am and was from day one, around this time of year, april - may, i always started looking for summer activities: sports camps (hated them), art classes (a favorite), summer jobs (anything by a pool), and trips with the fam of course (i really always have enjoyed these!).

but unless you become a teacher, 3 months of fun doesn't exist anymore. once committed to a 9-5, there's nothing but a change in jackets for summer. every day will still be a workday, and every night, saturday, and sunday will still be my only chance to satisfy the cravings of freedom and guilty pleasures.

but maybe it's better this way. when i was a kid, i couldn't afford a thing, and all that time went to waste. now i've got to choose my activities wisely (definitely avoiding sports camp) and make the most of my nights and weekends.

i think i'm doing well at that. last night i went to the echo with a bunch of friends, and then completed my evening with a sleepover. i refuse to let having a job take over my fun. i mean... maybe i'll have something different to say about all of this after my review with my boss later today, but for now, i'm going maximize my time off - and appreciate the fact that i get to do what i want, even if it is mostly while the sun is asleep.

and on the flip side, as much as i always loved summer break, i also really loved shopping for school supplies. and now i spend 40 hours a week with a computer, desk lamp, stapler, and a never-ending supply of ball point pens. if only they'd order me some highlighters....