Constantly learning

I'm constantly learning to say goodbye.
To say hello. To reunite. To enjoy the moment. To fill my heart.

To say goodbye.

It's an important lesson to learn, I think. But such a tough one.

To wish you well. To send my love. To feel love sent.

It's that leap off the cliff. The gasping for air.

I'm still learning how to find the rush.

atlas sound

I heard a Panda Bear track on KCRW this morning, which led me to discover this track featuring Panda Bear. I love it all today.

photo op

I've been in search of art or photography or anything really that I connect with to hang on my wall above my couch. It's bare and lonely and I really want some inspiration to spy every day. So I e-mailed my cousin, Gina Martin, who is a photographer for National Geographic. She led me to her photos and I've found a few that I really love.


For more of Gina's photos: www.NGSImages.com
Search for Gina Martin.

oh, semantics.

Thanks to the ability to search through tweets, I have the immediate satisfaction of knowing that crowds of people across the states are loving a set. It's all worth it. My boyfriend "kills it" every night... and that's actually a good thing. A wonderful thing.

Proud. And happy.

Long overdue: Yellow House

I finally bought Grizzly Bear's Yellow House this morning. I'm in love. And I very much feel inspired by this song.

In the Flowers

and sometimes you crash. and that's okay.

CNN Breaking News: NASA crashes a spacecraft and the upper stage of a rocket on the moon in search for water.

Crash?! The thought of finding water on the moon had been so exciting, but the first thought upon seeing this headline sent my heart downwards. Upon reading closer, however, I discovered that the crash landing in this instance was actually exactly what they needed. (Lesson #1 here: don't assume before you read the full story!) CNN reports: "NASA said Friday's rocket and satellite strike on the moon was a success, kicking up enough dust for scientists to determine whether or not there is water on the moon."

So my next thought is this: (Lesson #2) Sometimes it takes a little bit of a mess to make some progress. Imagine an art project. You don't have to cut directly on the line in order to get what you need. Trim it down. Pick up the scraps. Sometimes, there's gonna be clean-up, but that doesn't mean you didn't make something beautiful.

We can pressure ourselves to always do what's right in order to move forward, but maybe there's something in between what's "right" on paper and what's wrong in our conscience. So what if things get shaken up. Maybe the dust, like on the moon, will lead us to a realization, and what's accomplished from there is all that matters.

What I want to say is: Don't give up. And don't discredit your efforts. Look for discoveries in the smallest things, and find meaning in between the obvious progress.

I was feeling a little shakey this weekend, so I needed this pep talk. I feel better already, especially if it's worked for you too.

colored lights. florals. slow motion.

Happy October. It's almost time to party.

i'd rather be in Paris.

oddly enough..

Find your own pose!

Hmmm....

Pigs will never fly if we keep them caged.

green screen final product.

i went with the guys to film some green screen shots a few weeks back. i'm pretty sure this is the final product of that day. no confirmation as of yet, as it can be a little complicated to connect with a string and 2 tin cans reaching across the atlantic ocean. i kid. i'm just glad it's not 1964. i'm so thankful for videos, chats, internet, and blogs.

might be finished. might need to sleep on it.

either way, i need to sleep...

...possibility is keeping me awake.

12x12

when heartbeats and inspiration collide.

what are cravings anyway?

a flash of desire? we crave food. places. people. feelings. but what is it that sends that small taste, or hint, or reminder? a message straight from the heart.

yes, it's a flash of desire. i hear you heart, i do.

preparing for lift off: get me outta here

i was just listening to some news and they were talking about the molecule film (the beginnings of water) found on the moon. they say that they might be able to use the water to send the astronauts back home at some point. and they say that this type of advancement gets them even closer to visiting Mars. so, so crazy.

....and i'm just trying to get to London. or New York. drop a ladder down, please. i'm ready to jump on.

[under] Cover song: My Boys - Taken By Trees

This version of Animal Collective's "My Girls" is so dreamy.

Video: Volcano Choir, "Island, IS"

This makes my day.

we write wish lists.

even though its not christmas, we write wish lists.

we shop and dream, and price and compare. some items are desired gifts, meant to be received, while others we will most likely gift upon ourselves. either way, the wish lists paint a picture of our focus. the material checklist, if fulfilled entirely, would represent the [timestamped] ideal self, accessorized and outfitted, prepared and ready for the world.

the word to highlight here is timestamped. most often wish lists are never fully satisfied before a new one is made. we grow and change, and trends do as well. some items may transfer over, but the rest are usually laughed at and forgotten.

when i really pause to think about it, there's not much else to be had. now i aim to create a list that lasts, but i realize that such a wish list will never be complete. (nor would i like it to be.) i'd like the list to keep growing, to keep defining, and i'd like to see & strive for things that will stick with me. i'd like to discover and make mine the things i'll regret never seeing / touching / feeling.

so yes, maybe i'm now talking about a much bigger list with (less shoes and) more experiences, but truthfully, there was a point in the last few months that the lists did change in exactly that way. and i realized that if i stare at the wish list too long, it becomes outdated even faster. time passes and nothing is accomplished. we can't wait for our lists to be entirely fulfilled in order to be ready and prepared for the world. we have to make wish lists that send us out into the world.

i like my current list a lot. i'm loving where my numbered wants seem to send me wandering.

Anonanimal.

ANDREW BIRD - "Anonanimal"
by Cooperative-Music

I love the choreographed clay - it's my kind of interpretive dance. And I really love this song. It's the perfect soundtrack to a perfect 10 moment.

"10"

Long before I officially began my search for the good ones here, bff R and I were counting the perfect 10 moments. While roommates for a year, we had quite a few adventures, rated 1-10. As much as we can worry and become "paralyzed by choice" I know we both appreciate the little things, and how we find laughter in and around them all. Those good little moments, for our purposes, the good ones, are more than enough to make an incredible day.

R caught a flight down to Los Angeles to spend a few days - an assortment of good, great, and amazing - she hardly recognized the town. Our past adventures were in the very beginning stages of search. Now in my new apartment in my new neighborhood, the good finds were already bookmarked.

Dinner at Masa. That famous chocolate chip cannoli. Cheap wine at El Prado, soundtrack on records. Bienvenidos. Brunch at Cliff's Edge, where the toast keeps coming. Art * Craft * Vintage. New friends. New dresses. Southern California weather. Nap with the air con going. Trader Joes and dark chocolate covered blueberries.

Next-door neighbor bar. Cheap drinks. Photo booth. Denny's trickery. Darkness in the cemetery. Bottle Rocket and almost-spooning. Planet Earth and mango salsa. Buddhist blessing. Purple sunrise. The most amazing 6am performance we've ever seen. Bon Iver love. "What might have been lost" sing-a-long. Zzz..tea. Magical parking spot. Abbot Kinney. Parson Red Heads. Marked5 food truck. Hey Alex. Fly!

Bon Iver's sunrise show was wonderfully surreal. It feels like a dream, but better. I can't listen to For Emma, Forever Ago without longing for that beautiful hazy morning. The performance was perfection, as much as one can be at such an early hour. And the moment itself, a top of the top 10 list moment.

Talk of the Town

Every time I see another single up for sale, I kind of feel like a proud mama. Or I suppose, a proud girlfriend. Probably more like the latter. Spend those pennies. [Click here.]

On Instinct, among other things.

We were indirectly asked, which comes first, talent or passion? Pondering over the chicken-and-the-egg-like question throughout dinner, we gave up after a few drinks. Days later, I was driving [just after sunset] and realized it wasn't that complicated. It's passion. Most definitely passion. Motivation does not exist without passion. Curiosity. Creativity. Practice. Passion must fuel it all. [Unless you're driven by something entirely different (ahem, money), and art is not your interest.]

Last night I went to see The September Issue. While the documentary is about the fashion industry & a magazine that sells expensive clothes - within the look at a business [with investors, and sales groups] - there is an art. In the film, we meet Grace Coddington, fashion editor & stylist for Vogue, who visualizes multiple page spreads for the magazine every month, many of which never get published. So I got to thinking about instinct - the ability that people have to imagine and create - in this case it was a fashion photo - which stems from an instinct from inside of their very own person. Grace is just one example of the many truly talented people there are in the world making tiny decisions about every detail to create one masterpiece.

So I think instinct must come before passion or talent. And the beautiful thing is, we've all got our own. It's who we are and who we want to be. It works in amazing and magical ways, and creates something special, and different, and I think that's what we end up admiring in each other.

Go see The September Issue if it is showing in your city. It got my mind buzzing in so many ways.

Replies and Reminders

In reply to a friend who writes of close quarters, I must say thank you.

I sit in this office every day, typing in destinations and viewing streets through the screen. I daydream about flying and with no sleep, gifting more smiles and supportive squeezes. Most often the daydreams remain just that, and I admire (the energy, and) the ability to chase it. Then I read about the fears and the struggles, the unexpected (materialistic) needs serving as substitutions of the real love and comfort, substitutions of home, and realize they are learning a new way of living: Away from loved ones, away from everything already known. They must rely on suitcases, and each other, like a circle of skydivers with a low number of parachutes. It is a thrill.

After spending an excessive amount of hours in that tour van, on the road, I understand the words now. The ones that talk of cramped spaces and interrupted sleep. They have sent themselves to the streets to experience it all in a different way. And they do, and we do. My pillow never moves more than a few inches. His will travel the world.

It's completely chaotic, but I must say, entirely worth it. Speeding mile after mile to get home, 20 hours without much time to stretch, there was a hazy longing for the road once we unlocked the front door with our own keychain. I want to go back there.

Within the boxes of my months, certain numbers have a [city] match. Few of those have a boarding pass, and the rest are just reminders.

With Love (in place of leaves.)

It started with a less than three dimensional smile and a shoulder shrug of intrigue.
Same as the clatter of wood against a small tom drum gradually builds
to a tune,
where I'm at now grew from only the slightest chance into a rumble of energy and love. One inspiring another, I call it a tree of love because I
can't imagine any of it without every piece of what it is.

I met a boy, but I've met five as well.
Their commitment to each other wasn't a secret for long, and as soon as I realized what I'd found I only fell deeper. Each with their own role, personally & musically, the branches of their talents just keep growing more and more near to my heart.

They are (each and together) teaching me so much about it all...
Passion, talent, love, life;
how to laugh while everyone is taking it all too seriously.
At a Hollywood hotel pool where everyone is just too cool...
they jumped in, and played chicken.

Off on tour again, I miss each of them,
those branches, and the whole tree; all of them together, recreating these lessons through a 45 minute expression of everything they've got.
Each night, in each city, connecting us all.

I miss him. Of course I miss him. Our nest. My love. My heart.
But he'll be back soon enough.
Every moment until then, I just feel.
I feel the wind, I feel the sun, I feel inspired. I feel excited.
I imagine that I'm spinning. Like a 6 year old in a party dress.

I wouldn't trade it for a second of anything else.

grab that cab

Last night was designated DATE NIGHT - a fancy dinner, dessert & all, and kisses in the corner of a crowded bar. He granted my PDA wish.

wallflower

i feel thankful that i'm surrounded with people who are so inspiring. and brave. every day i learn a little bit more. And maybe someday I'll be able to get a little further off the ground than <-- this.

woke up in beijing

so very much obsessed with this.

a good one

i've been trying to find a top notch friend to laugh over nothing with, since my bests do still

insist on living far, far away. a good one i may have found; her drunken nonsense last night reminded me of the love you have for a friend just because you do. that moment, when she's yelling at her highest pitch voices, words that don't make sentences, but you get it, that's the moment you know.

friday love

a few doors down from my new place is a little wine shop. they host various tastings and events a few times a week, and during summer they take the supplies over to the hollyhock house for a tasting in the art park at sunset. i decided this was a mandatory event before summer's end and bought tickets last week. it was dreamy.

up on the hill, with the sun reaching its last reaches towards the green, green grass... we put our blanket in a spot with a view. small, dented glass after another i fell in love all over again. a busy day for us both, but an hour spent just the two of us. plus, we finally used some of the cheese store gift certificate i gave him for his birthday. that was delicious. a perfect 10 moment. smiles. kisses.

i think i've found the place

i think i've found the place that i'll be able to write the words. i always imagined a place of my own, with warm walls and inspiring moments. i think i've found the place.

saturday morning thanks.

it's the kind of peacefulness that slightly leads to pinching. is this really mine and how did i get here? i'm surrounded by my things and my choices and i'm spinning in circles and laughing at myself. when asked how i did it, i said i didn't know. but when i thought about it longer, i realized i only tried. the plan was never a plan, only an experiment gone right. trial and error of course, and plenty of realizations of wrong turns, but never once giving up on myself... i found the good. because i wanted to find the good. i don't want to take any moment for less than what it is; i feel lucky. when asked about feeling alone along the way, i told her i wasn't. each of you loved ones who have been there and will be there have helped me. the lonely struggles are only struggles with the past. i had to stop looking back at those bumps and keep looking for something better. never settling. never tiring. always wanting. always appreciating.

chocolate chip cannoli.

so the bulk of the stress is over. i've moved, officially, and i'm finally right there with everyone else. no more driving the wrong direction after work before heading back towards the fun. i'm excited about that.

last night K and i went out to dinner to one of OUR local restaurants, masa. i loved it the first time we went, and i especially love it now that it's actually near me too! we shared a 5 cheese pizza paired with a bottle of Mauritiushof. $30 special. what a steal. and the chocolate chip cannoli was a perfect dessert. what an amazing night.

tonight we've got the kick off of the next residency. luckily, the only outfit i could pull together from my assortment of boxes happens to work well into night time. cheers to a great start to my new place.

mine, all mine.

i got the apartment! it's my secret hiding spot thus far. no one has been to the new place yet, just me. so every time i've been there it's just been an experience with myself. i spent the entire weekend making trips over there with some of my things - the stuff that's annoying to move - but i can handle with no complaints because it's mine. and no complaints should be had at this new apartment... because it's mine. no roommates. no one to bug. just mine, all mine. even though it's a small one bedroom, i'm going to treat it as a warm, inviting space for friends. i'm excited to finish decorating. design*sponge has been very inspiring through this process.

the hunt

in the past year i've learned a lot. about communication with others. and appreciating what i have. and how to decipher between the good and the bad. i learned how to see what i want and put my energy in what i want, what is worth it, and to quit while i'm ahead with anything else. (that's not to say that giving up is okay, but just that when it's wrong, it's wrong. don't push it.)

so for the past month, the hunt has been on for my new homely dwelling. i knew where i wanted to go, so i searched and searched for every possibility to be found. while there were many, none have been the perfect place. and so i'm accepting that when it comes to apartment hunting, settling is necessary. (i'd never recommend settling to any fellow explorer in search of the good ones, however, when it comes to living situations, avoiding homelessness has to take priority.)

i think i may have found the one. a small little place of my own. it will definitely need some fixing up, and i hope my friends do not judge the book by its cover. it's an odd color green. (somewhat reminiscent of mint chocolate chip ice cream, so that's not half bad.) one of the biggest reasons i fell for this one was because of the manager of the building. she was a good one. willing to help and change anything, and wishing me luck in finding my perfect place no matter where it was. something about her made me happy there.

i go back today to turn in the application. fingers crossed. let's hope my search is complete.

if i could send the world his music i would.

it's a tough place to be in when you've fallen in love with a musician. it's been said again and again, not to go for boys in bands, but girls like me just don't listen to things like that. she'll be warned of poor behavior and neglect, those other girls and the instruments that take priority. but the truth is, while all of those things exist, it's only really tough to fall in love with a musician when it's the one-sided kind of love.

and happily, i've got the not so tough kind. and when you've got that kind, the only real tough part is the almost long distant relationship you must be able to commit to every other month when the band goes on tour.

in the past i've said (at least a few times) that i don't share well... because it was a phrase to be said, and claiming it never made me feel too horrible or selfish. however, i've never really had to share much at all, so saying i wasn't skilled at doing so was really just a joke stemming from my inexperience. barbies.. apartments... boyfriends.. every girl wants them to just be her own.

but i realized today that i must confront said sharing with a giving heart. sharing my boyfriend with other people is completely required for him to do what he loves. and as much as my phrase dropping self (the self inside all of us that has the ability to create a pun out of a blog posting title.. the cliche phrase re-inventor, that self), as much as my unoriginal phrase dropping "i don't share well" self wants to be pouty and frustrated that my boyfriend is gone overseas for two weeks (another tour, another countdown of days 'til he's back), my peaceful and happy self (the self that is loved and is in love... that is supportive and excited for the band... the self that wants me to move forward and achieve, and not be foiled by the negative self), that self says: share him. share him with the world. share him with music lovers and music haters alike. let him do exactly what he is meant to do because the music should have no limits.

and when i let myself let go of the silly phrase that meant nothing at all, i realize i'm just as excited as he is for the trip to london. and to any other place they book shows. because the more shows, the better. if i can't get out and reach the world, at least he can, and that's something positive that i can't help but love.

the good stuff.

dinner and a concert.

home cooked meal after a long day of work.

visits with family.

perfectly acceptable silence.

teamwork.

dance parties.

splitting wine bottles.

kickball with friends.

laughing at awful tv.

those butterflies.

i've still got them, i'm proud to report. there are moments, brief, lovely moments, that i glance over to him in a crowded room and feel nothing but excitement. it's still there, and i can only smile. such a happy girl i am.

there's been non-stop activity for the past 10 days and as much as i would love to report on everything we've done, the only thing i really need to say is.. hello butterflies. thanks for sticking around.. just enough to make it right.

is it just me?

i love going to shows. seriously, love. but i realized this week, as my music-loving / show-attending boyfriend is still on tour, that i'm still without a partner in crime. i've got best friends, but... all of these best friends live at least 6 hours away. i really wouldn't expect it to be so difficult to find someone who loves to see live music - in the same genre as me - that could fill the shoes that my (forever cherished) girls once did... but it really is tough. that's all for now. twiddling thumbs.

cross country slumber party

i cheated.

the band was added to an east coast tour for a few weeks this month. when i heard about the dates i jokingly suggested to my mom that we go to new york for her birthday festivities. surprisingly, she agreed. so we flew across the states last week. (and how i cheated: i spent 4 bonus nights in close radius of my love.)

i hadn't travelled very far in a while, just a few road trips and hour flights home. so prior to, this trip seemed huge, and new york had almost become fictional. but now i know! it's there. i saw it with my own 2 eyes. mom and i ventured the streets, morning and night; it was a long 3 day visit in the big apple.

the guys played amazingly well too. i'm so proud of them.

the second half of our trip was spent in washington dc. 6 hour drive in the band van. another great show sans soundcheck. then a slumber party on my cousin's studio floor. i passed out quick. the night before that was a long one, dancing in brooklyn.

the last day of our trip we got to see all of the sites. i'd been to DC for a week in 8th grade, but it was very exciting to return knowing i was now on Obama territory. i suppose the whole country is Obama territory, but seeing the big black suburbans leaving the White House surrounded by cop cars -- it could have been him! -- that's DC. it's such a beautiful city, especially at night. and luckily, all of the satisfaction of seeing history and beauty together was topped off by one last snuggle sesh. ahh.. mushy mushy mush mush. i can't help it. night night.

words to live by

So you're wishing that you never did all the embarrassing things you've done?

And you're wishing you could set it right

And you're wishing you could stay the night

But then I go again

Wishing never solved a problem

If you want to get it big time

Go ahead and get it get it big time

-- yeasayer's "tightrope"

when i named my blog i decided to make reference to the game of footsie simply because it's one of those silly things people do with each other that - no matter what - always makes us smile. sometimes it's a surprise or an accident, or sometimes it's mutual and full of giggles. but sometimes the interactions we share with each other are everything but coy and gentle. sometimes there are tears, frustrations, and stormy weather, storming off. the moments when honesty turns too honest and toes get stepped on. the moments when no one says a thing, assumptions are verbalized, and someone ends up with a foot in their mouth. wouldn't it be nice if we could all speak nicely and softly, with care and eye contact, just as we would under the covers with our lovers. yes, but even lovers quarrel.

i write this for my friends, one of whom i walked home with other night in the dark, and another who has just started on her own again. i hope you find your steps. i hope you can share soft spoken confessions. i hope you can see, even in the darkness, that the signs are there, and you will find your way. sometimes we make mistakes. sometimes we let mistakes go on for a long, long time. but we do get to look at them afterwards and realize that we've learned. and we get to call out to our friends and gather hugs and support. i hope you will follow your heart and find what you're looking for. if you haven't already, you will make the right choice. it's yours. love and learn. and don't be afraid to take a new step with those feet.

the walls around the places we snuggle

i've found this amazing blog that i can't get enough of. (http://www.designspongeonline.com/) it's full of ideas for do-it-yourself projects - the kind that make your home completely unique and interesting - all different styles of design - but i love it all.

most of the photos are making me dream big... and making me want to be all grown up already. it's fun moving from place to place, making new temporary homes each year, but i really can't wait until the day that i have a place that is mine, with walls that are mine, and floors that are mine, and i will spend money on real furniture and paint that will get to stay until i'm inspired to do it all over again.

when i think about my life, what short time we get, and the things i'd like to have and do, having a home that fits me perfectly is definitely on that list. it's not so much having the place forever, or keeping a certain decor forever, but it's the stability that comes with it - the permission - on my own terms - the ownership - and the togetherness - because i want to share that home and fill it with love.

reasons to love you

i heart meiko.. my new favorite song:

"reasons to love you"

give me a reason to fall in love
take my hand and let's dance
give me a reason to make me smile
cuz i think i forgot how

i wanna fall asleep with you tonight
i wanna know that i am safe when you hold me tight
i wanna feel how i wanna feel forever

girls need attention and boys need us
so let's make everybody glad
that they have each other in each other's arms
oh, let's make everybody glad

on ex's and o's.

it happens that i sit at my desk all day and i think. today, i'm not sure how i ended up here, but something reminded me of something that must have reminded me of something that made me wonder about this. bear with me, i still don't know what the answer is.

so we date people, and we enjoy them for a time, but then one day we wake up and realize we have no idea what love is, and that whoever we are trying to find it with at that moment, isn't it. for me, much of these non-love moments were discovered by the other person. (to be honest, much of my relationships weren't even that. they were non-relationships afraid to face the reality of what was happening. i was not the girlfriend, but the lady friend, or the girl, or the friend, or whatever else you want to call someone you're basically dating but don't want to admit you're dating.) anyway, as screwed up as they were on the outside, they were just as screwed up on the inside. to sound less harsh, they just weren't right. and i guess that's what i'm wondering about. those people who weren't right... what are we to do with them? are we supposed to just forget about them? (cuz many i'd really like to.) or are we supposed to accept the fact that they happened and that things we come across may remind us of these people, and just deal with the somewhat haunting (ala Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, yes? ha) results. (shake it off.)

i suppose they can serve as examples of what we definitely do not want. i'd like to be mature about it and not have to feel anything negative, but then in my case, those memories aren't the greatest to relive. so i think i'd rather just forget. they weren't nice. they weren't amazing. they were just there, teaching me what to avoid in the future. now that i'm in a real committed relationship, the kindness and consideration of my beau contrasts so much with the others, i really have begun to dislike those non-boyfriends even more. they really weren't worth my time, and they definitely didn't deserve my attention. and they still don't. but as much as i don't want to mention them, here they are, the tic, tac, toe's of my past...

so i ask it again, what are we to do with these memories? game after game we play, learning to win and lose, and how to handle each loss... crumpling up the pages once they're tired and worn. it's all such a waste of paper. i think i've realized that i much prefer a cat's game from the start. one shot. no winner. no loser. the mutual give and take is much more gratifying. xoxo.

what else can i say?

The top 5 words I've tweeted:

love

good

tonight

work

want

Sounds about right.

not so undercover.

it's his birthday tomorrow so i've got to be discreet. i'm horrible at keeping secrets. actually, it's only my own secrets i'm bad at keeping. and i get all too excited about surprises. but so far, i've done pretty well. i've kept quiet and most things hidden away... tomorrow i get to reveal the gifts. sorry, it's gotta be a secret here too for now.. i can, however, give a full report on a perfect place for pda. we went to the park on saturday with just a blanket and our good looks. :-P it was pretty outside :: the weather was warm :: and i very much enjoyed the view. he told me the green grass made my eyes look greener. his seemed more blue... even though they are not. i love lying close to the ground, feeling so tiny, like a bug, and looking up through the trees at that beautiful, blue sky. (the kind of sky wilco sings about.. i'm sure of it.) there are tons of trees to fall in love with in griffith park. shout out to RT. ;) i love lazy weekends in los angeles. kiss kiss.

i just had a decently-sized craving for summer vacation.

we all love our fair share of escapism - the movies - the music - reality tv - but growing up, summer vacation was definitely the highlight of my year. no more sitting in class. no more homework. no more bad weather. summer vacation is the truest escape of them all.... for kids anyway. and being the planner that i am and was from day one, around this time of year, april - may, i always started looking for summer activities: sports camps (hated them), art classes (a favorite), summer jobs (anything by a pool), and trips with the fam of course (i really always have enjoyed these!).

but unless you become a teacher, 3 months of fun doesn't exist anymore. once committed to a 9-5, there's nothing but a change in jackets for summer. every day will still be a workday, and every night, saturday, and sunday will still be my only chance to satisfy the cravings of freedom and guilty pleasures.

but maybe it's better this way. when i was a kid, i couldn't afford a thing, and all that time went to waste. now i've got to choose my activities wisely (definitely avoiding sports camp) and make the most of my nights and weekends.

i think i'm doing well at that. last night i went to the echo with a bunch of friends, and then completed my evening with a sleepover. i refuse to let having a job take over my fun. i mean... maybe i'll have something different to say about all of this after my review with my boss later today, but for now, i'm going maximize my time off - and appreciate the fact that i get to do what i want, even if it is mostly while the sun is asleep.

and on the flip side, as much as i always loved summer break, i also really loved shopping for school supplies. and now i spend 40 hours a week with a computer, desk lamp, stapler, and a never-ending supply of ball point pens. if only they'd order me some highlighters....

i'm awake.

after so many years of being tucked into bed for sweet dreams and physical gain, i've finally realized how good it feels to grow up, or rather, to grow forward. when i was younger, i used to sit in my classes or lie on my bedroom floor and gaze out the window, letting my thoughts float far and away, up into the clouds. i'd imagine the things little girls do imagine: what true love would be like, what that real world would offer, and those perfect shoes for every occasion. an uninterrupted daydream was paradise.

but just a few years ago there was that moment of realization that the dreams we have as children are just that. we have to put our energy towards acting rather than thinking, and speaking rather than listening because if we don't do something, we stay stuck in the dream-like state, everything happening around us, hazy and out of our control. and there was a time after waking up to this reality that i was scared and in search of someone or something, anything fluffy and soft to surround myself with. but as much as i want the ice cream cone to stay floating above, the wind always takes it away. chasing the clouds can be so tiring.

now, at this young age of 24, i'm finally feeling comfortable with the responsibility of being awake. every day i appreciate more and more, and i am beginning to feel excitement for what is to come because i know that i have learned and will continue to learn. i guess it's true that we are wiser as we get older, and i'm looking forward to being able to see the world from this point of view. i used to really smile from the moments i'd create in my imagination... the perfect picnics and the rainy kisses. but now, as cheesy as it sounds, it's the real events and memories i have that make me truly smile, and that is such an amazing feeling.

i just wish someone had told me sooner... that time would do it's work. however, maybe they did tell me... i was probably just too busy hitting snooze.

when the dust settles.

last year when a group of friends was packing up to go to coachella, i remember sitting on E's bed watching and listening and wondering how i might like a 3 day festival in the desert heat. i've always loved going to live shows, so in that respect, it sounded amazing. on the flip side, the 105 degree weather and stories of exhaustion were really, very intimidating.

self proclaimed coachella experts had all forewarned me about the weekend. the necessity of having a good, strong group of friends, and a place with a shower and a comfy bed. they were right, and i guess this time around i'm thankful that i started planning so far in advance. i locked down a 2 bedroom condo just a short drive from the festival in october, and it was definitely helpful in the recuperation each night. at the end of every day i could feel the layer of dirt on my face, and i can't imagine trying to fall asleep that way. (people actually camp out there. crazy.) i like my bed and shower. that, and sunscreen. i drove back to los angeles on monday without a sunburn... or having lost anything (or anyone), and i'm pretty pleased about that.

so how was it?

it's one of those words can't describe things... day one i was very overwhelmed with the masses of people and huge stages and tents. the heat wasn't terrible. actually, we were too cold friday night to make it all the way through paul mccartney's set. (amazing, of course. yet, i didn't feel it until the beatles came on the radio early this week. my heart fluttered then at that moment -- holy crap. i've seen him. -- sometimes it just takes time.)

i think for a lot of people, coachella is an event of a weekend, or a party weekend, just something to do with music around. that's the vibe i got from a lot of people anyway. but for me, it was about the music. i didn't want to drink - partly because it was too hot - and partly because i thought i might get lost in a sea of people if i was drunk - but mostly because i just wanted to remember it all. i think party weekends are probably best saved for vegas. (also, i guess the only good drinks are in the VIP section, so until then.. i'll be sober. those fake margaritas were not good.)

so the highlights... for me, fleet foxes sang their way straight into my heart. i couldn't get enough of that set... i filled up my memory card with video... and even though i was watching it alone (we all got separated just prior to), i was so very happy and content. i'm listening to their album now actually. i'm kind of hooked.

jenny lewis was amazing. i've been a rilo kiley fan for about 5 years, so when she started singing silver lining, i almost had to hold back the tears. she's so good, and her music has been there through it all it seems.

other notes... i really enjoyed blitzen trapper. and beruit. i need to buy both of their stuff next. (there's really so much i need to get now). okkervil river made me smile. the yeah yeah yeahs were great as always. (i was annoyed, however, by the loud people next to me screaming at a my little pony toy. ugh.) lykke li... i was very excited to see her... and she put on a show.. in the hottest weather of the weekend. devendra was probably my biggest disappointment. sad face. i was expecting something more acoustic and hippie'd out. what i got was a bit of a loud rock show, with people waving their arms. i was confused too.

girl talk was one of the most fun moments of the weekend. we all got really hyper and started dancing around like we just didn't care. amazing.

i wasn't really into the main stage much. the cure sounded flawless, but they're really just too emo to watch. and the killers are just too big. too perfect. i was bored.

i'm sure i'm forgetting some others, but it was a really fun weekend overall. now it's back to the grind which always just leaves me daydreaming and listening to tunes in my ipod. and writing things here. and not getting anything else done. bad girl. more later.

morning sighs.

it's a gloomy 61 degrees outside, and chances of rain are in the forecast. it's definitely one of those mornings in los angeles that i just want to stay in bed. i'd like to be snuggled under the covers, a soft blanket up to my sleeping eyes. i suppose i wouldn't deny some good ol' fashioned spooning either. imagine the kind of sleep that happens with smiles. mm...

alas, it is not saturday. on this t.g.i.f. morning, i found the motivation deep inside of me to crawl to the bottom of the bed, and find balance above my two feet. leaving a sleeping T and K, i found my way to my car for a peaceful, kcrw filled daydream of a drive to work.

now i'm sitting in a very quiet office. both bosses are out today, so in a way, my relaxation can continue. there's nothing to watch on tv, so i'm enjoying the silence for now. and luckily, i've got a blanket right here at my desk. the ac in this building is oh so aggressive.

i did happen to notice a kiddie carnival at the corner of riverside and los feliz on my way to work. maybe if the rain rain goes away, i can catch up on my snuggles on the ferris wheel tonight. no single riders here. ;)

on the road again.

so the boys will be on their way up the coast to canada and back next week through the end of the month. tours are great for the band, but for me, that means two weeks without his kisses. i make the most of the time to myself, and i've already got a few shows on my own calendar for checking out, but i also can't help wanting to countdown the days.

but i've gotta take it day by day... or week by week.. who knows what kind of huge tour they'll end up on in the near future. eep. it is so bittersweet. but i'm proud. and happy for them. they deserve it.

next monday lykke li is going to be dj-ing at the standard in hollywood. as much as i dislike the standard, i'm looking forward to checking out her set. djs in general fascinate me, with their cool lean and presumably elite music taste. [if only that were true with them all]. i have a feeling lykke li will entertain my inner foot loose.

1 week til coachella take off... :)

these boots were made for dancing.

the boys have a show tonight! i'm so excited. also, it's been over a month since i've seen a fellow band play, and i'm looking forward to dancing up front with the rest. it should be a good one. two bands i've never seen before will be playing as well, and i've heard a lot of good things.

i'm wishing i had more time off of work so i could just lounge and listen to tunes. next week is coachella - my first time. i've got a condo reserved and a good group to experience it all with. now i just have to get rid of this cough that won't stop attacking me in the middle of the night. go away, cough. go away.

it's the thought that counts.

mm.. so where to begin?

i had an amazing weekend. the best. and i couldn't have planned it if i tried. i'm beginning to realize that as much as it is in my nature to plan, things seem to turn out just fine without the plan. i've always feared the non-plan because i felt things were out of my control, and by out of my control, i guess what i really mean is that my feelings weren't going to be considered, and i wasn't going to be happy with the end result. but there's something entirely different about a non-plan when it's spent with someone who cares completely how you feel. truly.

when my weekend getaway took a nose dive towards what could have seemingly been a rocky, painful crash landing, there was someone with a kind heart there to hold my hand and help me find a way to see something new. it sounds silly, that i was so stressed about such a insignificant thing; it was a weekend getaway. but at the same time, i put my heart into planning, and my past has turned that moment of to care or not to care, into a significant one. he does care and i am pleased. i'm impressed. i'm happy. he's great. i could have very easily been upset, and i could have been mad, but for the first time i can really say that it's the thought that counts, and i know that his intentions were there. in the bigger picture, our destination didn't matter. a quick road trip or a far away flight, the time together was all that mattered. and is cherished. and appreciated. again, i just feel so lucky, and that's all i am choosing to feel. those thoughts count. those thoughts make me smile.

and so it is.

a car ride home.



talks of meetings. and decisions. and excitement.
good show. and fans. and admirers. a glance my way. a plunge.



talks.



satisfaction.



celebration.

dizzy miss.

i'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, and this morning it is completely possible that i was still drunk when i woke up. classy, i know. as L said, it's the price we must pay, and i am, and i will.

sometimes celebration must take precedent to sleep and sobriety, and last night was one of those times. the boys signed with a booking agent yesterday - a feat well deserved. for some time now the pairing had seemed like it just wasn't meant to be, but the guys stayed motivated and perhaps sxsw was the push she needed to say yes. congrats boys! i'm so proud.

so now i sit at my desk with vertigo and wild beasts colliding in a good way. i'm glad M let me borrow this album. it's completely understanding my mood.

je veux te voir

i've switched to green tea. two years ago, i was finishing up my english & philosophy classes, and i was still pushing myself to meet deadlines. that's when the ice-blended obsession started. coffee bean is far superior to starbucks, in my opinion, and they make a mean mint / mocha combo. so its safe to say i was completely hooked once finding this drink. especially after a late night of writing / not writing / deciding to go to sleep and wake up early to really wait until the last minute.

after i graduated, i didn't have much of a reason to wake myself up. for a couple [then, aimless] months, i was without job and forced to enjoy the sunshine; a coffee drink became my guilty pleasure. now... i've found my pleasures elsewhere. now i've switched to green tea. less calories and more refreshing, i find something satisfying about tasting the green.

i think that the acceptance of a switch like this probably comes with age. the fluffy / mocha drinks can become too luxurious, and leave you only craving more and more. hollywood does the same thing. it's fun and addicting at first, but it becomes empty and tiresome, a realization discovered usually not as quickly as you'd like.

at this point in los angeles, i think i've found my green tea: in genuine laughter and honest questions and answers. hikes and music with a heart on its sleeve. home cooked meals. cuddles under blankets. conversations that matter. smiles worth waiting for. ah. i can't wait for the boys to get back from south by. i had a very productive week, but i'm ready for the whirlwind to start again. the past 2 years has been a dizzy rush rush of searching... but this spin is my dance floor happiness brought to life.

mm. sipping my green tea, not wishing it would last longer. no addiction. just pure goodness. yes.

it's blitz

i am loving the new yeah yeah yeahs album. i purchased the deluxe edition on itunes this week, which incluces a bunch of acoustic tracks. "soft shock" is lying on the grass in the shade on a warm summer day. slight breeze. in love. moving into pensive, content smiles. and kisses.

the rest of the album, non-acoustic is still karen o, but a more fun, dance freak out. i like.

brightly colored flowers

catch my eye
from the soil
under my step

upward
a mass of blue

this week the action's in austin

it has arrived! sxsw is this week, a big showcase type event in austin for all of the bands and industry people to mingle and schmooze one another. my man's band is on their way there now... off to tire themselves out with lots of music, lots of people who like music, sun and undoubtedly a lot of alcohol. they're playing a bunch of shows and showcases and it should be a really great week for them. i'm really excited to hear all about it.

on the flip side, i so wish i could be in that van right now, road tripping across the states. but i've started a long list of things i will do while they are gone: drinks with friends. yoga. wine night with the girls. spa massage. i've been needing to catch up on some things.

i spent the weekend in a beachside hotel in santa barbara. my favorite moment: wine tasting on the pier while the pigeons danced to live jazz music.

should i be so inspired

i'd like to write a love story.

one two three four

tonight is the last show at the silverlake lounge residency. the month went by extremely fast, but i suppose it was really only 4 weeks of fun. i'm excited to embrace what's left of it as soon as i get off work! i'm thinking, spandex pants, heels, and something fun and flowy on top. lots of drinks. lots of people. and lots of spinning in circles at the end of the night. penny lane style. dancing on confetti.

the weekend was a happy one. we went to a party on friday night -- a surprise birthday party which at first we thought might be awkward since no one knew anyone at the party -- but it was surprisingly (for us too! ha) super fun and laid back. good music. the apartment was decorated really well... cute and girly.. and the people were all very nice. plus, there was a full coffee table of snacks. that always wins me over.

saturday night was spent with friends and more friends crowded in and around a booth at cha cha lounge in silverlake. new friends. old friends. complete contentment.

the gatekeeper wears feathers

"no pictures allowed, ladies. that's our only rule."

oh, hollywood.

we went to bardot last night because bret from flight of the conchords was dj-ing :: spinning. yes. i was spinning in circles, attempting to feel a buzz from my 2 (too) expensive drinks. actually in comparison to some places i've been before, this bar wasn't the most outrageous. i'd never been to this spot before, and i suppose i would go back just to see how i liked it the second time around. i didn't hate it. i didn't love it. something weird about the wanna-be-glam hollywood club mixed with the hipster scene. i mean, it was definitely a step above the 18+ moscow bunch, but i don't know.. maybe i'm just not impressed by the pink lighting anymore.

i do like the dancing, however, and the best moment of the night, by far was when "Shout" came on and everyone was jumping around, up, up, and then down, down, down, so low to the ground... "a little softer now"... everyone literally sitting on the dance floor, scrambling for each other's support to get back up. i love moments that bring strangers together.

to recap my valentine's day weekend... we cooked. there was wine. we walked in the cold. chocolates with funny phrases on them. i wore a heart on my shirt. home sewn. there were kisses. and that makes me smile.

somewhere over the rainbow

the other night i ended up at the key club for the first time since my living in hollywood. the crowd was ridiculously sleezy and desperate, old, and still trying to make something of a dream that has for so long been shaken apart. the bands were awful. no harmony. no inspiration. just a flat desire for fame. there might have been an ounce of passion stuck somewhere in between the tight levi's and the cheesey belt buckles, but i'm sure the combat boots will squash it sooner than later. i've never felt so depressed while watching live music.... i had to get out. never will i return to the key club again. (unless it's a great band.) ugh. everything about that place felt so wrong, tainted and broken.

somewhere over the rainbow, i spent an uplifting night at the troubadour in west hollywood last night. i saw some great bands that have their hearts and minds in the right place, and it really does send out a better feeling in the room. it was a tad cold in the venue, but the music somehow warmed the place up. plus shia labeouf was there, making a fool of himself. such a drunken, lonely celeb, trying too hard to obtain more attention. apparently he can keep a quarter on his forehead while banging his head on the bar counter -- 5 times. brilliant.

tonight we celebrate S' birthday at cha cha cha. i need to find the perfect present! she's not into contrasting colors so much. hm. monochromatic possibilities, where art thou?

be mine. text me. love. yours.

i do so badly want to fall
and the kisses and hugs are written on solid hearts
but i can't bite through them

i have an urge to save them
in their little box,
staring me in the face through the plastic window,
until a new holiday has arrived,
and then i've missed my chance to
celebrate in season.

i let them remain whole
and strong, never letting the
impression fade away.
i must find the courage to
open that box.

oh, but wait...

i have a job, huh? one of those 9-6, sit indoors all day and dream of whats going on outside that window, type of jobs. it's a good one - so i can't complain at all, but spending the most quality time i've spent with people in a long long (ever?) is really not motivating the sitting in the fluorescent lighting all day. the truth is, i'm torn between routine and the new. i'm so always up for seeing new things and trying new things... i don't mind taking a scenic route. but i guess i can let it get out of control too. i've tossed the stability right out of this 6th story window, and i'm running on curiosity.

and fear. watching a fellow twosome part ways makes me realize just how disposable relationships (love or less) are. and this is what i have always thought to be the most important thing we can have in our lives... people to share them with... but we toss each other around so often. so from there, i consider that every strong connection we make, and every moment we are given, is truly a very precious one.

last night's show at the roxy was cancelled, so that (thankfully) gave me a bit of a break. tonight is first fridays at the natural history museum. the bird and the bee are playing and jukebox the ghost are opening. apparently its a popular night; pre-sale tix are already sold out. not sure if we'll end up making it inside or not.

it's raining. there really is something about that rain that makes it feel okay to stay home and do nothing (or take a moment to type a little something something in the blog blog).

please don't stop the music

i've got shows to potentially attend every night of this week. i love things to do in my calendar but sometimes its fun to have no plan at all... and that's my new theme of this month. just going with the flow and doing what makes me happy. it's working out fine, except that my energy and excitement for this new way of life is not giving me much sleep. oh well. i'd rather be living a crazy life in the city than snoozing all the time away. the tick tock tick tock is only haunting when there's nothing to do. now, i've found a rhythm.

rain on my parade

the weekend we've all been waiting for has finally arrived! i'm picking up R from the airport in 4 hours... then it's off to find a dance floor or 2.! R suggested we choose our evening's adventure based on what we choose to wear... which is brilliant. personally, when i choose my outfits everyday, what i put on has everything to do with my mood... what's inspiring me.. and what's on my mind. we reflect the swirlings of our inner thoughts in a combination of colors and patterns and shapes. high heels or flats. so why wouldn't we take our day to where (wear) our outfit wants to be seen. it's brilliant. i love it.

it is raining, however, and as much as i hate the gloomy, icky cold weather, i'm going to embrace it. my car was clean, now it's not, but whatever, at least there's fun to be had!

vegas.......... i'll be seeing you real soon. :)

hey syrah syrah

i somehow hurt my back playing wii fit & stretching last night, so i've been limping around like someone 60 years my senior. ironically it was the senior citizens that A and I almost spent a good two hours with tonight as we ventured outside the norm to a historical lecture. it was a good idea, it seemed, but definitely not our thing. so we ditched the talk for edendale grill. we grubbed on mac & cheese and calamari.. beers and red wine. my back is feeling just fine! :)

coconut records has released a new album and in my current state, and most likely without it, i'm loving it. jason schwartzman is such a cuddly and endearing rock star. yes......i'm 23 and this is what i do with my tuesday nights.

and....sleep.

today i'll wear flats.

i love living in l.a. because there really is so much to do and see here. and although the go go go can be tiring, it's completely worth it.

friday night was the night at the museum relived. A and i checked out first fridays at the natural history museum which is basically a night of music in a museum full of stuffed animals and vaquero costumes. we cruised through the history lessons first, and then watched the little ones for a bit.

last night little J and her friends wanted to go out so we went to foxtail, which used to be half restaurant and half club, but now, i suppose in it's decline of popularity, it is all club. there used to be an exclusive feeling about that place, as you'd walk through the restaurant, up the dark staircase, and into the disco-reminiscent dance floor. and they used to, with care, i think, serve drinks that could be found no where else. (i loved the poisoned rose -- a sweet martini with a rose petal in it -- but it is no more.) the girls enjoyed themselves at first, but by midnight had decided (realized) it wasn't their crowd. i can agree with them there. the foxtail bunch is probably the ones wanting to feel like they've made it in l.a. -- these girls weren't trying to be l.a. at all.. which is completely acceptable in my book.

i left there, not feeling at all tipsy from my rose petal substitute, and headed east on fountain to a small room of a bar called temp spaces. it's not at all beautiful inside like an sbe joint, but the less overwhelming appearance felt right. a slow-turning disco ball, and a vintage chandelier, i was totally into it. plus james friedman was dj-ing -- apparently he's a big deal -- and for reason. i was loving it all. thx to P & S for leading me there.